Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
True.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Why I divorced her.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I have written yet another poem about laundry
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.