My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
it must be school picture day
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
RT if you could go either way.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?