♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it