Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!