I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
You Might Also Like
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie