can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
You Might Also Like
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose