Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don鈥檛 fall for their trap. don鈥檛 be a mop.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn鈥檛 for me, it was for the organization of course.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I鈥檓 not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can鈥檛 see it being him)
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don鈥檛 understand why the shirt doesn鈥檛 have the vibes
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we鈥檒l be fine
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 馃檨
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine鈥檚 Day.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go