i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.