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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Roses are red, you always mattered,
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man