Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Straight people are cancelled
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*