Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
boat question
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.