FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
🤣😈🤣
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too