Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it