If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
So true for me
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.