My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.