My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming