Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
You Might Also Like
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.