Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
No one :
Me when I swimming :
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I hate my earbuds.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos