I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
accurate
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess