[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.