Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.