Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Heroic Misunderstanding
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot