I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
subtitles are so good nowadays
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
satan: not today, microsoft teams