I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.