Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.