horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
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These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I feel it
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Hitlers gonna hitl