The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?