[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
You Might Also Like
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.