#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
my sentiments exactly
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.