My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.