The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.