I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
This could be us… but you playing
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit