Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Gemma Correll
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.