Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
wtf is a larm clock?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”