me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
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You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Finally, a door that understands me
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.