If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.