I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.