#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.