There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
this will hang in the louvre one day
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.