Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Stop making fast and furious movies.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
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.
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When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.