You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
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7:
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7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
This is my brand.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
peak technology
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.