What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
You Might Also Like
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.