If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.