Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.