Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3