My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
May never get over this
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady