Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
You Might Also Like
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice