The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin