For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
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Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.