LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
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PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god